Hello friends! Here I am, in your inbox, with my silly little email jokes while the world burns. Donate to abortion funds and bail funds. Fuck the Supreme Court, fuck America. Anyway: every time I hit a big round number on my newsletter, two thoughts clang into each other in my head: 1. oh my god that’s so many, and 2. oh my god I’ve been doing this for three years and I’ve only done 40 of them? Well, whatever. Sentences can bang into each other in my brain all they want, it’s nonstop bumper cars in there, we have a movie to talk about. I hope y’all like movies where no two people are acting in or dressed for the same scene, and where “daytime” and “nighttime” are concepts as nebulous as “red” and “white” wine. I hope you like DIRTY LITTLE DEEDS. (Content warnings for murder, car crashes, omnipresent wine, and family secrets.)
There’s a classico-style Lifetime movie opening where a woman runs from the camera and then is killed as a sacrifice to the movie formula gods. This particular woman is running through a vineyard and struck and killed by a cute little MG type car. She died that we may watch DIRTY LITTLE DEEDS.
The next scene introduces us to Jessica, the real protagonist of the movie, and her best friend Madison. Madison courteously delivers all the background information a viewer could possibly want: they’re best friends, and Jessica is a wine critic. That’s it, I hope you didn’t need anything else. Don’t worry about it. Jessica’s happy to take Madison along for this trip through wine country, although she allows that wine criticism isn’t really paying the bills (no shit?) and also, this wine they’re drinking? Trash. Gutter wine. A hunky and sweaty man wearing a tank top and suspenders overhears them, and he’d love to get Jessica’s opinion on a new wine they’re serving. Jessica agrees to do this bafflingly attired man a favor, and tells him the wine is okay. It has potential. This perspiring laborer then asks Jessica if he can pick her brain over dinner, and when she accepts he finally introduces himself: he’s Simon Prescott, owner of this sucky winery.
And then Simon and Jessica get married! I’m condensing but barely. Six months after they meet and exchange biographical details like: Simon doesn’t get along with his family even though he works for their winery, and Jessica doesn’t really talk to her dad, and her mom died last year. You don’t need to know much about a person before you marry them, it’s fine. Jessica knows how Simon looks in suspenders, and he knows that she knows what shiraz is, so six months in, they get hitched. After the ceremony, Simon gets a text from someone named Evelyn that reads “Dad dead. Congrats.” A big day for Simon. He makes a phone call and then tearfully tells his new wife that his dad died, so he has to go home, but she doesn’t have to come with. Jessica insists that they’re her family too now, of course she’ll come. Are they her family though? They very clearly did not come to the wedding. We’re still at the wedding! I guess being terminally ill or caring for someone who’s terminally ill are good reasons to miss a wedding, but your dad being terminally ill is also a good reason to reschedule your wedding. Anyway, big day for Simon. Big, big day.
Simon and Jessica drive to his family’s estate, Black Oaks, a gorgeous stone manse on a gorgeous hill with a gorgeous view, and he carries her over the threshold just like it’s a real honeymoon. Unlike a real honeymoon, the groom’s mom is sitting in a chair in the parlor they came into. Jessica attempts to introduce herself to Mrs. Prescott, but the older woman informs her that she’s no longer “Mrs.” Prescott, since her husband died. She’s merely Amelia. Like me! That’s not how “Mrs.” works, though. I’m pretty sure about that and I’m not looking it up. A fun fact about Amelia Prescott is that she has an Eastern European accent (the actress who plays her is Polish) and no one else in the movie does, and no one bothers to explain anything about Amelia’s background. I love it. Amelia Slavicly rebuffs Jessica’s condolences, because, whatever, her husband Bernard had been dying for a long time. Jessica lies, “it was nice to meet you,” before being handed off to a servant named Miss Watkins so Simon and Amelia can hash out some things. Jessica spots a framed photo of Simon with a woman in the vineyard, posed next to a wine barrel with their initials burned into it, and oh baby you know it’s the woman from the first scene. Watkins snatches the photo away from her, reluctantly explaining that it’s Simon with “the previous Mrs. Prescott.” This is probably the last secret Jessica will uncover about her husband. He can’t possibly have more.
That night, Jessica wanders into a room where Simon’s sister Evelyn (like my cat! But pronounced Eh-vuh-lynn unlike my cat) is arguing with her husband Terry. Evelyn makes an introduction in the Prescott way: being extremely rude to Jessica for no reason (“I’m surprised Simon even mentioned he had a sister”) and then expecting her to leave. Jessica goes back upstairs to talk to Simon, who’s like, “okay, yeah, so, Evelyn and Terry are in charge of the winery, and they’re really bad at it, and everyone blames everyone else, and I’m so glad you’re here with me,” and Jessica’s like, “great! Glad I’m here with you, my brand new husband, in this beautiful house full of extremely hostile people!”
In the morning, Jessica starts awake to Watkins announcing that breakfast is ready, and I have been standing here watching you sleep like a normal person. Jessica joins her husband on the patio, and he announces that today she will be handed off to Francis, who “handles the affairs” (yeah I bet he does, if you know what I mean) and can show her around town. Jessica, who is normal, doesn’t want to be chauffeured around, but everyone insists. Francis, an older guy with a proper and slightly menacing air, informs her that she’s a Prescott now, with all the influence and enemies that entails, and she’s of great interest to the Prescott estate. Jessica probably should have asked Simon one or possibly two questions about his family before they got married, but she didn’t, so here we are. And here we are at a little boutique, where Jessica tries to shop for gewgaws but is confronted by random people glaring at her, and a woman who tells the new Mrs. Prescott to ask Simon “what happened to Daphne.” This is not a safe place to find gewgaws! Francis and Jessica are leaving.
Back at the estate, Jessica tells Simon she’s going to take a walk in the vineyard to clear her head, and she sets out in block heeled sandals and a maxi dress to tromp around the farm. No one in this movie is ever dressed like any other person in this movie, by the way. Simon is constantly wearing suspenders and a suit to “work” (i.e. go through files and talk to his family members), Evelyn wears silk blouses and high-waisted trousers, Amelia wears a fur stole all the time, Jessica looks like a normal person on vacation. It’s disorienting. Jessica happens across the barrel from the photo of Simon and his first wife, which has “S + D” burned into the top of it, and then panics because she hears someone else in the vineyard. Which, yes? Even if it’s a bad winery, it’s a working vineyard? There are lots of reasons someone might be in it? Nevertheless, Jessica freaks out and then Simon is there to rescue her. She gasps, “why didn’t you tell me about Daphne? What happened to her?” Simon says that Daphne just left one day, vanished without warning, like the Prescotts scared her off, and he didn’t tell Jessica because he didn’t want to scare her off too. Did anyone investigate Daphne’s disappearance? No? Okay. She just left! Simon takes Daphne to a little gazebo on a little pond that he was building Daphne before she uhhhh “left” and tells her that when his dad was alive and Daphne was here, it was easy to be happy. He thought he’d never find love again but then he met Jessica. How long ago did Daphne disappear? I’m sorry, I’m just asking questions because Jessica certainly isn’t. Also, it’s nighttime now, even though: 1. Jessica went to town right after breakfast (a meal that takes place in the morning), and then came right back, 2. As soon as Jessica got back, she went for a walk and panicked and asked Simon about Daphne, 3. Simon and Jessica’s conversation does not seem like it took ten hours. But, it’s night. And no more surprises, Simon promises, except that they’re late for a Prescott family dinner, because it’s night.
Does this family dress for dinner? Of course they dress for dinner. Amelia fills Jessica in on some backstory about the family business: really it’s lumber, but there was a fire at the sawmill that killed a couple people, so that’s been a real bear to deal with. Evelyn’s husband Terry mutters that they’re still looking into the cause of the fire, and Evelyn snaps that wood is flammable. It’s a wonder any sawmill makes it even a single day without going up in flames. In an attempt to be kind of normal, Amelia asks Jessica how they met, and when Jessica tells them she’s a wine critic who was on a trip, Evelyn immediately jumps to “OH so you were going to write a nice review to GET our MONEY.” No, Evelyn, she said your wine was bad. Amelia’s next question after “how did you meet my son” is “what are you going to do with the fortune you will take control of once my son produces an heir with you, as was stipulated in my late husband’s will,” a progression as natural and swift as day to night. Has Jessica thought about children? Jessica, reasonably, flees, and Simon calls his family a bunch of vipers. I love this movie. Jessica wanders the house alone until Watkins finds her and tells her that she wrapped up her dinner plate, and also, she doesn’t owe these freaks anything. Simon joins them and tells Jessica she absolutely does not have to go back into the dining room, and suggests that she invites her friend Madison for a visit. Yes, inviting her best friend to this vipers’ nest will make Jessica feel much more normal, thank you for the idea, Simon. You really understand women.
The next morning, Simon and Francis Who Handles The Affairs bicker about whose fault it is that the insurance company won’t give them a payout from the sawmill fire. Francis is mad that he had to change Bernard’s will, and Simon is mad that Francis slept with Amelia. It does seem like everyone has a reason to be mad at everyone. It also seems like they could just sell their mansion and each pick one impractical and fancy car to drive in separate directions and be done with this forever. Jessica wanders into the scene, and Francis leaves because of occupancy rules. Simon explains that the family of one of the millworkers who died in the fire is suing the family and the lawsuit could wipe out the winery. That seems fair. Then for some reason Simon and Jessica dance to old-timey music from an old-timey radio. It’s… rom…..antic?
Madison is here! She just dropped everything and came right away, sure thing, why not. Terry wanders through (sorry but everyone is forever wandering through this movie, like a haunted cornfield) and Jessica tries to introduce her best friend, but instead of saying, “Hello, Madison! Nice to meet you, welcome,” Terry says, “everything that touches this family burns. Get out while you still can.” Thanks, bud! You wanna help Madison with her bags, or? Jessica goes looking for Simon to tell him Madison has arrived, and finds him in yet another parlor arguing with his sister. This house has too many parlors, and parlors are too good for arguing in. If the Prescotts lived in a duplex this wouldn’t happen. Evelyn is yelling at her brother for GALLIVANTING around the COUNTRY looking for his RUNAWAY BRIDE while she RUNS THIS WINERY (INTO THE GROUND). Jessica finally walks past the open door as Evelyn tells Simon that Jessica is probably just another gold-digger, and she hopes they’re being CAREFUL, “because the last thing we need is another Prescott in this family!” Jessica runs outside, followed by her husband, and she sobs to him that she married him, not his family, but Simon says they can’t afford to go anywhere else right now. Where were they living before this? Was the plan “let’s get married and then my dad will die and I’ll bring you to the big house where my family, who I hate, lives”? What did they talk about in the six months between meeting and getting engaged? Just wine, wine, and more wine?
Madison is still here, and Jessica brings her to the gazebo to have a heart to heart. She gets about twelve seconds to tell Madison that she’s worried that Simon isn’t really building a life with her before a dead body surfaces in the water. The pond is so small! How long was it bopping around in there? Did anyone check the POND?
The ominous woman from the boutique turns out to be a cop, and she’s gathered the Prescotts and their staff to tell them they’ll be doing a full investigation to find out whose body just floated out of the pond. Terry mutters that it could be anyone. Boy I wonder who it is! Write down your guess now and see if you’re right in a couple paragraphs. The cop, Detective Brown, brings Jessica inside to ask her some questions, and it is suddenly full dark. It was just midday! When they were outside! It’s a big house but this is absurd. Brown allows that the body is probably Daphne, and asks if anyone in the family has been acting strange. Well, one of them has a Polish accent that no one acknowledges, one wears dark lipstick and holds a glass of red wine 24 hours a day, one sleeps in suspenders, and one answers any question with “life is pain,” so no, everyone is normal. Brown asks Jessica if she feels threatened but also tells her that sometimes people go googly-eyed around the kind of wealth the Prescotts have, and they start plotting all kinds of Dirty Little Deeds. Hoot and holler, she said the thing! But Jessica’s eyes are wide open. Okay, bye!
Amelia convenes a family meeting, and calls it to order by shouting, “First things first: No! More! Skeletons!” and that’s a good family rule. They all agree that the body is Daphne, and Jessica asks if she should feel threatened. If you have to ask! But Amelia just purrs, “not by me, darling,” and informs her that Detective Brown has been nosing around their family for years. But on the bright side, now that they know Daphne’s dead, they know there aren’t any illegitimate Prescott heirs running around. Jessica does not see this as a bright side, and yells, “What is wrong with you? A woman died! All you people care about is your family!” and I see her point, but it’s pretty funny to yell at someone for caring too much about their family. She storms out of the parlor (no, not that parlor, a different one) and tells Madison they’re leaving, right now. Simon begs Jessica to stay, like, okay my family is awful but they didn’t kill Daphne, and neither did I, probably. I’m not saying I remember the circumstances of her disappearance because I was having a fun night drinking with my dad and telling him I wanted to have kids with Daphne and then I blacked out, but going off vibes, I didn’t kill my wife. Jessica agrees to stay but she’s crying so much that it wouldn’t hold up in court.
In the…morning? Jessica flips through scrapbooks and photo albums to try to learn about Daphne, and Madison asks her if she’s been up all night. Impossible to say what “night” is at this point, but yes. Evelyn saunters in to pour herself wine and to say that Daphne, a waitress, was just one in a line of Simon’s girls, who were “…quaint, no offense.” Maybe one of the other quaint girls killed Daphne! Quainties are always doing that. Plus it’s not like the Prescott women have any power, Evelyn says, not even Amelia, who pretends she runs the show but it just as trapped as Evelyn, and now, Jessica. Anyway bye! Once Evelyn leaves to wear dark lipstick at 9 a.m. somewhere else, Jessica asks Madison if she thinks Simon cheated on Daphne. Madison, absolutely at sea here, says that Simon definitely had options, but he chose Jessica, so chill out. Jessica declares that Madison is just jealous (???) and stalks out, passing Simon on the way. Simon asks Madison what that was about, and does she have a minute to chat? Options indeed.
Jessica draws herself an angry bath while Madison tries to apologize via voicemail, a thing you do when the house is too big. But then someone whacks Jessica over the head and knocks her into the rapidly filling bathtub! Madison decides to apologize in person even though the house is so big, and when Jessica doesn’t respond she and Simon burst through the door and haul an unconscious Jessica out of the soaking tub. Madison does chest compressions until Jessica wakes up and spits out water, while “[pensive piano music]” swells. Later, Simon tells her she has a concussion from falling in the tub. Jessica correctly insists that she was attacked, and Simon says they questioned the staff and no one saw anything, so case closed, Jessica fell, get some rest, jeez. Madison and Simon leave her alone, and she wobbles out of bed to act suspicious and concussed.
On day five (?) of her life as a married woman, Jessica awakes with a concussion and watches her best friend and her shirtless husband play badminton from her balcony. Watkins brings her some water and comments that Simon and Madison are certainly enjoying each other’s company. By the way, if there’s one thing the Prescotts excel at, it’s hiding things. Rest up, bye!
That night, Jessica finds a sparkly dress on her bed, with a note from Simon that she should wear it to dinner. She suits up and walks downstairs to find Simon and Madison being very flirty and immediately accuses Simon of cheating, and trying to REPLACE her like he did DAPHNE. Actually, Madison and Simon have been making Jessica a present: they got a bunch of local chefs to make some food so she can have a tasting for the restaurant that Simon is going to help her open. That’s Jessica’s dream, after all, apparently. All the chefs are embarrassed, and Madison is pissed off, so she pours a glass of wine and downs it. The wine is even worse than the usual Prescott fare though, and she starts foaming at the mouth and immediately dies.
As a bunch of cops mill around, Simon apologizes to Jessica for not believing that someone was really after her, and Detective Brown is here to say that the wine (a gift for Jessica from Simon) was poisoned and yeah, somebody sure seems to be targeting your wives, Simon. Also, they haven’t found Daphne’s wedding and engagement rings, which weren’t on the pond body. They will, though. They. Will.
That night, Jessica hears a noise and gets out of bed, an impulse I will never understand, except that she does get to wander around a mansion with a candle lantern, which seems fun. She finds Amelia awake, and Amelia tells her that she knows she wants Simon, but consider: taking a bunch of money to leave Simon and Black Oaks forever. Yes, Amelia made this same offer to Daphne, and yes, Daphne ended up bobbing peacefully in a pond near a gazebo, but this isn’t a threat! Ha ha! Well, good night!
After that relaxing night, Jessica spends her morning rifling through cabinets and drawers looking for something. This big house has so many drawers! It is the exact opposite of the apartment I stayed in in Philadelphia that had no drawers in the bedrooms. Walk-in closet, no drawers. So strange. Jessica finds the photo of Simon and Daphne that Miss Watkins snatched away from her, and decides to go check out that wine barrel they’re posing with. Lo and behold, under that wine barrel, she finds Daphne’s rings wrapped in a scrap of fabric, brings them back to the house, and calls the police from a rotary phone. “Yes, hello, I’m calling to report that I found Daphne’s rings and that these freaks don’t know what cordless phones are,” Jessica breathlessly tells Detective Brown. Brown tells her that she’s on her way, but if Jessica has any way to get the fuck out of Black Oaks she should do that immediately. Suddenly Simon is behind her and he has an idea! How about: we go for a ride, leave Black Oaks, and start over, and live for ourselves for once? “Oh, ah, ha ha, yeah, baby, sure,” Jessica says, but as soon as they pull out she runs out of the car, through the vineyard, and into the woods. She manages to get a cell signal and calls the cops while running away from Simon, and just as he comes upon her and grabs her, Detective Brown pops out of nowhere (truly, nowhere, how on earth did she know where they were) and tackles Simon. She cuffs him and announces that he’s being charged with Daphne and Madison’s murders, and Simon tells Jessica he can’t believe she thinks he did this. I mean, me neither? It is not supported by the text?
It is dark as Jessica returns to the house because she spent the whole day forest bathing perhaps. She steps past Evelyn telling her she’s not going to get a dime (okay, Evelyn! Fine! God!) and packs up her stuff. Detective Brown calls the house to tell Jessica that they didn’t have enough to hold Simon, so he’s coming home. This should not be surprising news, considering that Jessica didn’t even hand over Daphne’s rings, but okay. Jessica swears that she can come up with some more incriminating evidence, just give her a minute to rifle through some more cabinets for Bernard’s will, but then someone whacks her on the melon again, and she’s out again. Jesus christ Jessica, wear a helmet.
Jessica wakes up (it’s still night) to find herself being dangled over a bridge by Miss Watkins, who also has a big knife. Simon pulls up and Watkins tells him to stay away, she’ll never forgive him for what he did to her little girl! What little girl? Oh, Daphne was Miss Watkins’s daughter? Who she raised to be a perfect wife for Simon because she’s known Simon his whole life? Did…Simon….know this? What’s the timeline here? Who’s Daphne’s dad? What? Well, regardless, Watkins was going to just toss Jessica over the bridge and claim it was a suicide because Jessica was so sad over Madison’s death and the immediate implosion of her marriage, but since Simon showed up, well, he’s gonna have to kill another wife. Jessica wriggles free as Watkins stabs Simon in the back, but the scene takes another turn as a fancy little car careens onto the bridge and runs down Miss Watkins. Take a moment and think about who you think is driving the little car, because I need to do a paragraph break.
It’s Evelyn! Simon fills her in on what Watkins was up to, and it seems like he didn’t know Daphne was her daughter, and having now thought about this plot so much, I do not understand it at all. Evelyn does not care at all that Watkins was trying to murder her brother and his wife, she ran her down because Watkins was trying to destroy Black Oaks! So Evelyn saved Black Oaks from Watkins and her daughter! You’re welcome. You may now praise Evelyn and her dark lipstick. Simon remembers that Evelyn took his car on the night Daphne disappeared, so she’s the one who went looking for Daphne and the one who killed her. Evelyn was so tired of being overlooked for being a woman, so she thought, “what would a man do in this situation?” and she killed somebody. Is she wrong? Is she wrong. Evelyn proposes blaming Watkins for her own death, or maybe Terry, but Simon tells her it’s over, as sirens approach. Evelyn and Terry, who’s here too (waiting in the car??) are led off in cuffs as Terry laughs that at least Evelyn can’t tell him what to do anymore. I’ll say to Terry what I say to every spousal murder suspect on Dateline: just! get! a divorce!!! Detective Brown apologizes to Simon, and he replies that she was just doing her job. “Mm,” she replies, and wanders away. Jessica is also sorry that she thought Simon killed some people, and he’s like, “oh it’s fine.” You know he’s gonna throw it in her face the first big argument they have, though.
Some time later, who knows, doesn’t matter, Simon and Jessica have opened a restaurant at Black Oaks. It’s called Madison’s, and Jessica’s pregnant now. She’s finally achieved her dream of rubbing her belly and smiling benevolently, which is all running a restaurant consists of. And Simon arranged a special surprise for Jessica: her dad is here! Her dad, who sucks, who didn’t come to her wedding or pick up the phone when she called for help! They didn’t pay him for a speaking role, so he and Jessica just hug. The end! No more skeletons!