KILLER DREAM HOME: DTMWaGL #19

How does anyone live like this?

Hello, friends! I don’t know what else you could have possibly been thinking about over the past week, but I watched a movie about infidelity, stalking, Jeremy Renneresque mansion-flipping, and the first gay character I can remember in a Lifetime movie. It’s KILLER DREAM HOUSE, baby! (Nothing too weird to content warn about, just regular murder.)

The star of the movie is 1128 Maple Drive, a big gaudy three-story monstrosity. It’s got a lot of random wainscoting and French doors and more chandeliers than a house should have. The maximum is one per house, thank you for asking. The opening scene is both a 3D walkthrough of this ridiculous manse and a grim murder scene, in which an older white lady is drowned in her bathtub by an intruder wearing a red tarp and black rain boots. So long!

ONE MONTH LATER: a person whose age I would judge as “my age” hungrily eyes 1128 Maple Drive, which now has a for sale sign out front. This is Jules, and she goes home and tries to talk her husband Josh into buying the house to flip it. “Not the one with the big bougie gates?” says Josh, and the captions, delightfully, spell it “boujee.” He points out that it’s a ton of house, and a lot of money, but hey, they just made a big profit on the last house they flipped, plus the realtor is Renee Rivera, and she’s hot, and she just got divorced (?????), so he’ll think about it. They go for a showing, and they are super jazzed that the house has an elevator. It’s a normal elevator, like the kind in an office building, not the space-age vacuum tube one my parents have, but that’s fine too I guess. Jules is also impressed by the his and hers sinks in the master bath, where a woman was just murdered, even though Jules drives a Range Rover and I personally have his and hers sinks in the lone full bathroom in my modest ranch house. Jules and Josh love the house, and ask why the previous owner, Ms. Maples, decided to sell. Hot divorced Renee Rivera tells them that actually, full disclosure, cards on the table, Ms. Maples died in the house. She “slipped” “and” “drowned” in the bathtub. Nice bathtub though. And her husband had gotten ill and died a year earlier, and she had no other relatives. Hmm! They’re also sort of introduced to Edgar, the gardener and handyman who lives in the guest house, but because he’s The Help, they just sort of wave in his direction while he glowers at them.

At home, Jules pleads with Josh that the Maple estate is her dream house, the one she’s been “drawing since grad school,” since I guess she’s an architect, and it just needs “a badass interior designer,” which, okay, I do not relate to Jules in literally any way, and Josh says he’ll think about it but he doesn’t love being in houses where people died. Oh, grow up Josh, the entire planet is a house where people die. The next morning, the realtor shows up at their house to tell them their offer was accepted, because Jules just like, put in an offer on this eight thousand square foot house without telling her husband. It’s fine! They find a promising flyer for an interior designer in the mailbox when they head to their new estate and then go inside to bone in probably the most ostentatious place they’ve ever boned. Well, they seem like they’ve been to Vegas.

Jules meets with the interior designer, an extremely sleek woman named Morgan Dyer. She asks Morgan how she got into interior design and Morgan replies, “well I had a terrible father,” and I’m condensing a little but not much. But her portfolio looks great and she seems pretty confident and polished, so she’s hired! Morgan is thrilled to work on the Maple estate, and when she goes to the house to meet Josh and the rest of the crew, she keeps saying things that imply she’s been there before. I’m sure it’s fine. I’m sure she’s very normal. Also, when she meets Josh and Jules’s friend slash property manager Bliss, who occupies “the west wing,” she exclaims that Bliss is so pretty! Very normal. Bliss does have nice beachy waves. Jules and Morgan decide on a “modern rustic” theme for the house, which will take the edge off what Morgan describes as its “slightly tacky elegance.” You can just say whatever words you want if you’re an interior designer, and people will be like, “YES oh my god EXACTLY.” It’s like astrology. On her way out, Morgan spots Edgar the gardener. Oh, they know each other! And hate each other. Edgar asks if the new owners know who she is, and she responds by ripping her own dress, picking up a hand cultivator, and slashing Edgar’s arm with it, while saying, “officer, he came onto me, he tried to assault me!” She tells him to get out, and he obliges, because why deal with this. Edgar has marketable skills, he doesn’t need this. And then Morgan goes home, to find an eviction notice. Times are tough!

In the morning, Morgan and Jules discuss some interior design thing that will cost four thousand dollars, and that is when I realize I do not know what is happening here. The house already has a ton of furniture in it. Do people hire interior designers to furnish the houses they’re flipping? Why? The house doesn’t really need any kind of construction work, what are they going to do to increase its value? Is flipping mansions really a viable business model in 2020, even discounting covid? What is happening? Well, regardless, Morgan asks for and receives an advance for the work that she’s doing, which I don’t understand. Also, Bliss found a file with the previous owner’s medical records in it, and this is also where I realize the murdered owner was named Beverly Maples, and the house is on Maple Street. A lot dawns on me in this scene!

There’s a short scene where Morgan’s landlord and ex-boyfriend Ivan comes to demand the rent she owes him, and she signs over the check she got from Jules, and then demands to bone Ivan. She then, of course, takes a bunch of pictures of them sleeping together, and puts them on the fridge with a note about how she has more where that came from, so don’t bother cashing the check. Is Ivan married? Does he have a girlfriend? What is the threat here? Who knows! He just couldn’t resist Morgan’s leather jumpsuited wiles, and he has to pay for that.

Back at the Maple estate, Bliss catches Morgan rummaging around in a locked drawer, so Morgan tries to shoot her with a nail gun, ha ha whoops sorry, that could happen to anyone who’s aiming a loaded nail gun at someone else’s head! Then Morgan spots Josh peeking into the guest quarters, recently and mysteriously vacated by Edgar the gardener. Josh says it’s not a huge deal, they’ll find someone to replace him, but gosh! It sure is weird! He and Morgan have a getting to know you talk, in which Josh says he’s been an entrepreneur since he left business school and got “some help” from his parents, which is frankly an incredible thing for a Lifetime movie character, or any white man, to admit. Morgan talks about how she’s a self-made woman (“who needs a man?” asks Josh, a man), and she’s not seeing anyone right now, since her partner got sick and died a year ago. Also, a neighbor, a lawyer named Perry, comes over to introduce himself. Perry thinks he’s seen Morgan before. Morgan asks if maybe he used to frequent a bar called the Red Rainbow, and he says maybe???? But not really. As he’s leaving, Morgan says, “definitely the Red Rainbow,” and it’s not not homophobic. Also, how ridiculous, rainbows are every color. That’s the whole thing about rainbows.

That night, Jules arrives home with Thai food to find Josh and Bliss out working, and Morgan acting weird. Morgan feeds Jules a sob story about how her landlord is freaking her out and stalking her, and she doesn’t feel safe, and Jules offers her the guest house while she’s looking for another place to live. It’ll be nice to have her there anyway, she doesn’t have a lot of female friends. What about Bliss? asks Morgan, and well, she’s really Josh’s friend, she likes football and beer and tequila shots, and Jules likes staying inside and drinking wine. Morgan cattily says that she wouldn’t trust “that gorgeous creature” with her husband, and that’s all it takes for Jules to pick a fight with Josh about Bliss, and how much time they’ve been spending together. “Is there a conversation we need to be having?” asks Josh, as they perform the sacred pre-sleep ritual of removing the decorative pillows from the bed. Oh, no, says Jules, it’s totally fine. It’s fine. It’s fine I’m fine it’s fine.

In the morning, Bliss greets Josh while wearing a millennial pink corduroy newsboy hat. Not the flat one but like, the puffy kind that looks like a muffin top, but according to real website Hats In The Belfry dot com, that is a newsboy hat. Okay! Josh asks Bliss if Jules has been acting weird around her, and she says no, but Jules has to get out of the house today or they’re going to be in trouble. I’m not sure if the movie wants me to think, “are they doing it?” but it is pretty obvious to me at this point that they’re planning a surprise party. Jules comes down and Josh suggests that she go buy hot divorced Renee a gift for….some reason. Was I supposed to buy my realtor a gift? I hope not. Jules agrees, and brings Renee some flowers and they go out to lunch. Jules mentions Morgan’s name and Renee isn’t familiar with any “interior designer” “named” “Morgan Dyer,” and makes a note of it.

While Jules is out, Josh helps Morgan move some boxes into the guest quarters, and then Morgan declares that she’s going for a swim now that she’s all sweaty from moving, and just strips off her top while making eye contact with Josh. Josh is like, “??????” and goes to the main house to gossip with Bliss about how weird Morgan is. Bliss goes to pick up stuff for the surprise party, and pokes her head into the guest house on the way out. She flips through Morgan’s portfolio and realizes that it’s just magazine pictures. “That lying, basic little bitch!” says the woman wearing the pink wide-wale corduroy hat, but then she has to hide as Morgan returns to the house. It’s fine.

Renee returns to the office after lunch with Jules and tells her assistant Desi to get Edgar the gardener on the phone, because she suspects something is up with this Morgan character. Unfortunately, she calls the landline and Morgan hears the message Desi leaves, and Morgan says, to an empty guest house, “guess we have moles all over the house. We’ll have to bury them.” With a dry, cool wit like that, she could be an action hero.

Jules returns to the Maple estate and oh? What’s this? Oh my goodness! It’s a surprise party! For Jules and Josh’s anniversary. How do you even have a party in an eight thousand square foot house? Does everyone still cram into the kitchen? Can you hear each other talk with thirty-foot ceilings? Morgan arrives, in a sexy satin gown, and pretends to be embarrassed that she’s overdressed. Bliss tells the neighbor Perry (who is there because Josh left an invitation on his door saying that Jules didn’t have enough girlfriends, what the hell) that Morgan knew this wasn’t a formal event and she overdressed on purpose. Perry decrees this both extremely tacky and kind of genius, and he’s still trying to remember where he knows Morgan from.

Renee, who’s working late on important realtor business, ends up getting stabbed with a fancy letter opener, by the same person wearing a red tarp and black boots that drowned Ms. Maples in the first scene. I wonder who it is! Also, Renee’s self-defense consisted of: throwing her purse at the intruder. I’m not sure Renee wanted to live.

After the party, Jules and Josh go to bed and she thanks him for the party and apologizes for being jealous and weird about Bliss. They make out and Jules says that actually, she thinks they should stay here, this should be their forever house, and Josh agrees because this man simply loves chandeliers. Cannot get enough dangling cut glass, this guy.

The next morning, Morgan comes to work and Jules tells her that she’d like to make the room they’re in her work room, because they’ll be staying in the Maple estate, it will be “the house we die in.” Okay, put that phrase on the pile along with the elevator, the nail gun, and the manila envelope of medical records. KILLER DREAM HOME is surprisingly economical, for being about a tacky mansion built in 1985. Morgan is taken aback, because she’s been in love with this house since the first time she stepped foot inside, which was definitely when she came in with Jules the other day, please do not ask any more questions, and she was hoping to put in an offer on it. “With what money?” snorts Bliss, who is wearing another newsboy cap. Or maybe it’s a gatsby cap? If I have learned one thing writing this newsletter, it is that there are too many kinds of hats. Anyway, Morgan insists that she has an inheritance coming to her, not that it’s any of Bliss’s business, and Bliss asks if it’s her business that her portfolio is just magazine cutouts. Well! That! Is because her work! Has been featured in magazines! Morgan snaps to Jules that she doesn’t have to listen to her husband’s lap dog, and huffs out of the room. Is she still their interior decorator? I don’t know, but she finds Josh coming out of the pool and grabbing a Corona from the kitchen. I thought it was like 9 am, but okay. Morgan cries to him about all her life problems, like her fiance who died, and then she kisses him. Josh pushes her away, and she screams that he came onto her, and he tells her to leave. This house is too big to order someone out without escorting them yourself, they’ll just sit in another wing waiting to pounce on someone with a binder of blackmail material.

Jules, Josh, and Bliss discuss how to fire Morgan without setting her off, and it finally dawns on Jules that what she wants is the house. What’s the deal with Morgan and the house??? What could it possibly be????? I wonder if it has anything to do with that fiance she keeps sort of mentioning! I wonder.

Morgan shows up for work the next morning, which seems incredibly misguided until you realize she just came over so she could fake falling off a ladder and hurting herself on the job. No one is sympathetic to her “cries” of “pain” and Josh tells her she’s fired anyway. You’ll never fall off a ladder in this town again! Morgan growls that she wants them out of that house, and she’ll do anything to make that happen, so they better know a good lawyer.

Well, they know Perry! He’s a divorce lawyer, but it’s fine. He doesn’t think she has a case, and they decide to boot her from the guest house tonight, and they’ll do it themselves rather than calling the cops. I don’t think anyone ever successfully manages to call any cops in this movie, that’s nice. She’s not in the guest house anymore though, Morgan’s secretly in their house already. I told you the house was too big.

Since Morgan is “gone,” they all rummage around in her stuff and Jules muses about why she wanted the house so bad, then remembers the file with the deceased owner’s medical files in it. The emergency contact is some woman who lives nearby, and Jules and Josh go to ask her what she knows. She worked for Don and Beverly Maples until Don got sick and died, and she remembers Morgan: Don and Morgan had an affair! No! No way, who could have foreseen this. Also, Morgan is unstable. No! Oh, she seems so normal! I am shaken to my core.

Jules and Josh get home and Josh goes to change the locks on the guest house, but Morgan confidently strides up to him and brains him with a hammer. Whoopsy doodle! Jules and Bliss grab fireplace tools to defend themselves because you know this house has like twelve fireplaces, and try to figure out what’s taking Josh so long. Oh, and Perry comes over, because he’s finally remembered that he met Morgan in his divorce attorney dealings, oh whoops, before he can get inside, he is also felled by Morgan’s hammer. I miss Perry already, it was nice to have a gay friend. Jules and Bliss, who had come out to meet Perry, are now treated to Morgan’s explanation of her whole plot here: she’s going to say that Jules found Bliss and Josh in bed and murdered them, and then also murdered Perry, for fun?? Really good plan, Morgan, I’m sure it sounded great when you cut it out of a magazine. Bliss tells her to go to hell and runs back into the house with Jules and her poker. I like Bliss. Jules is nothing to me and she should at least borrow one of Bliss’s hats. Jules, still looking for Josh, ends up finding the realtor’s body in a wheelbarrow, cunningly disguised with some leaves, but then does also find her husband, woozy but alive.

In the house, Bliss and Morgan fight for control of the fireplace poker even though Morgan also has a gun, and then they do some chase hijinks with the elevator. Unfortunately, Bliss comes out on the losing end of this, and ends up getting strangled in the elevator. RIP Bliss, I hope you are buried with all your hats.

Jules gets Josh upright and fills him in on all the assault and murder and he manages to grab Perry, who is also alive, and pull him off the driveway. Jules goes into the house wielding her poker, and encounters a gun-toting Morgan, who tells her that this isn’t her forever home, but it is the home she’s going to die in. Heyoooo! Blaow blaow blaow, callback, hell yeah. Josh sneaks up behind Morgan, knocks the gun out of her hand, and hands Jules a nail gun. Morgan whines about how the house was supposed to be hers, but Don left everything to his selfish wife instead of his mistress, like YEAH how DARE this woman want to continue living in the house she lives in with her husband, after his tragic death? The nerve of this broad! “1128 Maple Drive is OURS,” hisses Jules, and I cannot believe that at no point is this movie going to address the whole Maple/Maples thing, but it’s fine. It’s fine! Morgan lunges at Jules and gets a nail shot into her eye. And apparently that kills her! Good shot, Jules. And that conflict is over now!

Some time later, Jules brings Josh a margarita by the pool (the pool is normal-sized, in case anyone was wondering), and tells him she’d like to turn Bliss’s old room into a nursery. Because: she’s pregnant! “Our family is going to be really happy here, in this house where your best friend was murdered and also I killed a woman with a nail gun, but have you seen the parquet floors?” says Jules, and they smooch, and the movie is over! Come back next time for more of what I described to another human being as “uh like media analysis?” and tell your friends and subscribe if you want, thank you for reading!