PARTY MOM: DTMWaGL #4
What we have here, friends, is a story. A story about friendship, and class, and about a mom, who parties. A……. party mom. What we have here is PARTY MOM. We also have content warnings for drinking, gun violence, and car crashes, please buckle your seatbelt before reading.
We open with a quick scene of a man in a balaclava sneaking into a tacky house in Beverly Hills and ambushing a teen girl as she carries a suitcase down the stairs. He shoots her, she falls, end scene, put a pin in that, I suppose.
Now that that unpleasantness is over, a man drops his blonde teen daughter off at a gated house in Beverly Hills. They seem flummoxed by how fancy it is, but she hits the call button at the gate, only to be greeted by the voice of a teen boy asking, “Are you hot?” She dubiously replies, “I’m Brittany?” and is deemed hot enough to enter the party. Brittanys just sound hot, you know?
Once inside the house, Brittany looks around and smiles, because she loves ostentatious garbage. A woman in a bikini top and daisy dukes greets her and Brittany says, “Oh, you must be Ashley’s mom! Hi, Mrs. Anderson!” and the woman replies, “My plastic surgeon works way too hard on this face to be called anything but Jackie.” I assume this means her name is Jackie, but it could be a title bestowed upon the one who has the most collagen fillers. Jackie’s (The Jackie’s??) “besties” Rita and Donna swan in and say some weird shit to and about Brittany like “don’t steal anything” and “did you see those shoes? Where did she get them, Big Box?” Brittany is wearing Chucks, and there is not a store called Big Box, please get a grip, Rita or Donna. The teen girl in the house, Ashley, finally arrives in this scene and tells Brittany she’s so glad she could make it, seeing as she didn’t see anything Brittany posted on social media saying she was coming to the party. Brittany replies that she doesn’t really do social media, and Ashley commends her on how adorably out of touch she is, it’s really endearing! Brittany doesn’t love this but they go to the pool out back anyway, it’s a party!
Some teens drunkenly splash around in a pool while Ashley takes selfies and livestreams her cool party. Cool party, Ashley. Suddenly they realize a guy is drowning, and two dudes jump in to pull him out and resuscitate him, while Ashley attempts to stream this because she is a teen. The guy is fine, and Rita or Donna tells Jackie that it’s a good thing because that guy’s dad is a lawyer. Also because people dying is bad? No, but yeah, you’re right, the first thing. The party continues, because, as Jackie reminds Ashley, “I’m the PARTY MOM.”
Cool party, Ashley.
The next morning, the movie introduces us to Brittany’s family. They are very normal, they live in a nice split-level house, her parents are married to each other and she has a younger sister named Emma. Brittany asks if she will be given a car when she turns 16, and her parents laugh and laugh and tell her this isn’t Beverly Hills, it’s Lake Balboa! I looked it up for you, it’s in the San Fernando Valley and it looks fine. They’ve got some nice parks. Brittany’s mom agrees to drive her to the mall even though it will make her late for work. What does she do? I genuinely have no idea. It is not important.
The mall! Teens go there. Brittany’s mom drops her off at the far end. Ashley introduces Brittany to her friends, who I guess are human girls but past that no information about them is offered. Over Emma’s objections that she will be late for her playdate (said objections are rebutted with “you’re eleven,” ha ha whoa), Brittany’s mom pulls around to spy on them in a very obvious fashion. She’s late for work but she’s parenting the hell out of that kid!
The teens wander and buy things, except for Brittany, who has not bought anything, because she is “””poor”””. Ashley and Brittany chat about their respective living situations. Ashley has not heard of Lake Balboa but says it sounds nice (“is it like Calabasas?”), and also that it is wild that Brittany’s parents are still together, and it must be nice to not have a PARTY MOM who’s obsessed with stealing your friends. Anyway, Ashley is so glad she met Brittany (I guess Brittany is new in school but this is barely explained, and there is not a single scene set at school), because “us pretty girls have to stick together.” Is Ashley supposed to be cool and nice? I am not sure. There are a lot of things I cannot help you with in this movie, and in this life, and this is one of them.
Brittany’s dad Gary picks her up from the mall, and Brittany chatters about how cool Ashley is, and how gorgeous her house is (wrong!!). “So does a family who loves each other live there?” asks Gary, because Gary is the biggest cornball. Gary is made of maize. “I guess?” says Brittany, but then adds that she just learned about narcissism in a class and she’s pretty sure Jackie is the first narcissist she’s ever met. Oh, sweetie. They arrive home and Brittany’s mom sulks until Brittany apologizes for making her drop her off far away from her friends, and then launches into a very complicated discourse about how people aren’t good just because they have money, and teens with money don’t even have money, it’s their parents’ money, and you don’t know if they have that house because they have millions or because they owe millions, and also we pulled ourselves up and work really hard to take care of you. It is so much middle class anxiety! You could bake it into a class struggle torte and eat it for weeks. Brittany takes this in and tells her mom that she doesn’t understand how hard it is to compete with the other girls at school (is it?? what school???) and adds that she takes care of herself and Emma while her parents are at work. After Brittany goes to bed, her mom tells Gary that she was too hard on Brittany. At this point, I should tell you that I know Gary’s name because he is always wearing like a mechanic’s shirt with his name on it, and I don’t know the mom’s name because she is not wearing one of those.
All of the scenes that take place in cars are shot like I’m poking my head in from the backseat. Hey guys! Hi! What are we talking about up here!
The next morning, Brittany’s mom continues to try to make nice and Brittany continues to brush her off. Also, she drinks coffee now, just like the other girls. Also just like the other girls, she would like to go to another party at Ashley’s. “What’s the party for?” asks Gary. “It’s for school,” says Brittany, very plausibly. Oh, the party? It’s for school. No, she is not allowed to go to the party, for school. Gary suggests a family movie night instead, but Brittany whines, “Ashley’s going to think I’m a homebody!” and goes to her room to Facetime Ashley. Ashley seems kind of bummed, but the party is still on, so Brittany is going to sneak out. “I’ll show you a homebody,” she mutters to herself as she climbs out the window (no, she doesn’t).
Jackie greets Brittany at the door, wearing sequined cat ears and flanked by teen boys named “Little Marco” and “Stevie,” who both seem of average size to me, Karen. Ashley escorts Brittany to the pool, and a girl wearing a leopard-print onesie walks past them while smoking a bowl, and I would like this movie to be about her now please. Please. But no, this movie is about Ashley and Brittany and the PARTY MOM, and also those boys who saved the guy from drowning at that first party. Their presence is very exciting for some reason, even though they were already at the last party? But now Dylan and Travis are heroes! Travis says hi to Brittany and then leans in and whispers, “I find you very attractive,” in her ear and leads her away from her friends. Yuck. Brittany asks Travis how old he is because she is 15 and he seems “a lot older than [her], like statutory rape older.” YuCk. “It’s about how you feel,” says Travis. YuCKkkk. Then, despite the fact that their only conversation has been banter about statutory rape, they start kissing? And Brittany is into it? Brittany no. Brittany yUcCCcK. Brittany. Ashley sees them kissing and asks Jackie if she should stop them, and Jackie says it looks like love! Ashley says no, she’s seen Jackie fail at love tons of times and it looks exactly like that. Ha ha whoa!
Back at Brittany’s house, her parents send Emma to check on her, and Emma is a dim girl who falls for the pillows-in-the-bed trick. Also, they make out.
Back at the party (the party for school), Brittany tells Ashley that Travis knows this really cool party in Malibu so they’re going to go there. There might be stars there! Ashley thinks this is a bad plan, partly because she can’t ditch her own party and go with, and partly because all these people are very drunk and should not be driving. Brittany assures her it’s fine, they’re not going far. Brittany! You took an Uber here, I know you know how Uber works! She does not call an Uber, instead letting this guy Dylan drive, and Dylan assures them that he drives a little better when he’s drunk.
At this point, Brittany’s mom goes to check on Brittany, and she does not fall for the pillows-in-the-bed trick, so she and Gary go to look for Brittany.
The drunk teens (teens? are Dylan and Travis teens? unclear) pull over so Travis can pee, and the girl who is with them pulls Brittany aside to ask if she’s going to go all the way with Travis, do you know how many girls he’s been with, you will definitely need a condom. Brittany suddenly realizes what an extremely bad idea this whole thing is and asks Travis to take her back to Ashley’s, where many bad ideas are also being enacted but in a more familiar environment. Travis tells her he isn’t going to take her back, and also tells her how cute it is that it’s her first time, and he feels something for her he’s never felt before, and don’t worry, it’ll be romantic, they’ll find a bed or a couch (OR A COUCH), and it’s so fucking creepy and it is unclear if the movie thinks it’s creepy or if the movie thinks that Travis is a cool dude who’s just had a little too much to drink. They get back in the car, tool around a bit, and then,,,,,, crash head-on into an oncoming car. It’s pretty bad!
At least she doesn’t have to go all the way with this guy now?? Listen,
Brittany’s parents, several steps behind, arrive at Ashley’s party and ask Jackie if she’s seen their daughter, and also if she bought all this alcohol. No, Jackie has not seen their daughter, and she did not buy all this alcohol, but she “bought some of it, whaaaaaat!” and then she waits for a high five that never comes. Ashley herself then wanders into the scene and says, to Brittany’s parents, “I just saw Ashley not too long ago but she left with two boys and a girl,” because this is the kind of movie where characters literally forget their own names two thirds of the way through, and no one notices or cares. Brittany’s mom (honestly I will tell you her name when I learn it) blows right through this and tell Ashley to shut the party down and put the party mom to party bed. “Yes ma’am,” Ashley meekly replies.
While driving around looking for Brittany (right? her name’s Brittany? yeah), her parents come across the car crash and it’s pretty bad and I’m not going to make jokes about it. Brittany has been thrown from the car but she’s alive.
Ashley leads Jackie outside because she’s embarrassing herself, although I’m not sure why she can’t just like, put her in bed?, but this does make it easier for the police to find Jackie and arrest her for providing alcohol to minors, which they do, and then they drive her away while Ashley alternately shouts, “but she’s sick!” and “I told you this would happen!” The cops book Jackie into jail. She is still wearing cat ears, and she demands to speak to the manager. What a country!
At the hospital, Brittany’s mom mutters about all the booze at the party, and then a doctor comes out to tell them how Brittany’s holding up. She had to have surgery and might have to have more but she’s waking up now. They go in and see Brittany and cry, and again I’m not going to make any jokes here sorry.
Jackie gets dragged to her bail hearing while sniping about how she’s obviously not a threat to run, have you seen these heels. Yeah, they’re ugly as shit, Jackie. Brittany’s parents and Ashley are in court when the charges are read out, including involuntary manslaughter, since the three other people in Brittany’s car died. What about the other car? I do not know. Jackie repeatedly announces that she will be found not guilty, to the increasing exasperation of the judge, who lets Brittany’s mom make a statement. Is this normal, at a bail hearing? Another thing I do not know. But what I do know, finally, is Brittany’s mom’s name! The judge introduces her as Caroline, and Caroline says she’s worried Jackie will just continue giving alcohol to kids and throwing parties if she’s given bail. Jackie keeps yelling things like “I object!” and “look at this woman, she looks like she shops at an outlet mall.” The judge clearly hates Jackie but grants her $100,000 bail, to the chagrin of Gary, Caroline, and Ashley. I feel superior to the writers of this movie, because I know the names of all the main characters now.
I guess Jackie has no trouble making bail, because she immediately goes home with Ashley and scolds her for the house being a mess. Ashley turns it around and scolds her mother for getting three people killed, which is, on balance, worse than some pool floaties in the foyer, and asks if she feels any remorse at all. Jackie casually says she does, but that they’re dead, so. Ashley screams at her that she thought she was a cool mom, a PARTY MOM, but now she realizes she’s not even a mom, and she’s going to go live with her dad in Santa Barbara. On her way, she visits Brittany in the hospital and apologizes for this, you know, whole thing.
Okay, at this point the timeline gets extremely wonky. Jackie stands trial for providing alcohol to minors, endangering a child, and involuntary manslaughter, like right now she does this. Brittany is still in the hospital. The trial is dealt with via montage. And then the verdict is in! And Jackie is acquitted of all the charges! Including providing alcohol to minors, which she like, very clearly did, there is no indirect or involuntary way around this, none of this makes sense but I guess we can read this as a parable about how the rich evade justice? So Jackie is just free to go, and she and Ashley hug, and Gary says, hey you know what, I’m just gonna go chat with Jackie, at her home, where she lives.
And now we’re back at the first scene, with the guy skulking around the house! Oh my god was that Gary?? Was it Gary! He’s not wearing a nametag that says “Gary” but it COULD be Gary. The man waits for Ashley at the bottom of the stairs and shoots her several times, saying “Ashley! This is for Travis (bang), this is for Sasha (bang, oh I guess that other girl was named Sasha), this is for Dylan (bang), and this is for Brittany (bang),” and then runs away. He trips on his way out the door and I genuinely think it wasn’t on purpose but they kept it in because they were just really short on time, and then he throws the gun in the bushes out front and trots away, as…..Gary pulls into the driveway. Oh so that wasn’t Gary. Okay. Gary sees the front door open and kneels next to a dying Ashley as the cops come in (I guess they were like, right? behind him?) and arrest him for shooting Ashley because you can see how bad this looks.
Jackie is celebrating her truly baffling acquittal with a dinner at some restaurant on Wilshire, until a guy she’s with, who I have never seen before, gets a call and tells Jackie there’s something going on at her house, put your drink down now Jackie. Jackie! Put it down. She goes home and finds cops everywhere and Ashley dead. Poor Ashley. They tell her they have Gary in custody. Later that night, Jackie and her besties sit around and cry and say things like, “why couldn’t they just accept the verdict! It was a jury of their peers! Trash like them, not our peers,” and yeah this is how I assume rich people talk all the time. Where did Jackie’s money come from, by the way? I do not know. The guy from the restaurant is also there and he looks like Jeff Bridges and he says that it makes no sense for Gary to kill Ashley actually, and Jackie yells at him that obviously he meant to kill her and then she kicks him out, which is fine because I have no idea who he is.
Jackie was acquitted in this lace-up t-shirt that says “ROCK” on it.. Also should I say that this woman, Krista Allen, starred in the Emmanuelle tv series of the 90s? Idk, I didn’t watch it, more of a Real Sex fan personally
Brittany update: she is still in the hospital. Caroline is with her, and Gary gives her a call like hey babe, hey, uh Ashley is dead and I’m in custody for her murder but like, it’s fine.
In the morning, Jackie wakes up hungover and I’m trying to have sympathy for her because her daughter just died but ehhh. She gets in her Range Rover and tools around while drinking from a flask.
Gary gets released from jail because they found the murder weapon in the bushes, and it was registered to the father of the girl who died in the crash. That is all the information offered about him, I guess it was too much to provide the killer of one of the main characters of this movie with a name or any kind of storyline or like, a face. So that’s who that was in the first scene, someone we are never introduced to in the course of the movie. It’s fine. Gary calls his wife and tells her he’s on his way home, and while she’s on the phone with him Jackie comes to the door and knocks and knocks and knocks and knocks. “Stop knocking!” says Caroline, and lets her in. This is a mistake! Jackie asks Caroline if she thinks she’s guilty, and Caroline says yes. She follows that up by asking if she thinks it’s right that Gary killed Ashley, and when Caroline says that he didn’t, Jackie ignores her and says, “I’m going to take something from him,” and pulls out a gun. Sure! Why not! Jackie pins Caroline down and screams, “what is it with you valley people! Why did you have to come to Beverly Hills!” in her face, which is a very rude thing to yell at someone while you are threatening their life in their home in the valley. Gary arrives home before Jackie can shoot Caroline, and tackles her while saying, “I didn’t kill your daughter but I will kill you.” Kind of cool, I guess. He settles for punching her in the face and knocking her out. Great. End scene.
Just tying up a loose end: Brittany is still in the hospital. She had another surgery but she can go home in a week. Okay I looked it up, and in California you have the right to a trial within 60 days of your arraignment, but you can waive your right to a speedy trial, which Jackie probably would have done? Because fancy lawyers love to do that shit? So like, how long was Brittany in the hospital with a broken femur. What day is it. Is it a school day? What’s school?
The last scene is this: Jackie is in jail, presumably for assaulting Caroline and driving drunk but I don’t know. She shouts to no one that she isn’t getting her gluten-free food in here, and that the jumpsuit is giving her a rash. And then the movie is over! I don’t know! I don’t know. See you next time I guess?????