SLEEPWALKING IN SUBURBIA: DTMWaGL #45

Are you more of a [puffs tensely] or an [exhales darkly]?

Hello friends! There’s been a lot of talk about “liminal spaces” lately. Stairwells. Bridges. Backrooms, obviously. Empty parking lots that you could do donuts and break bottles in but they’re too sad and weird to even really accommodate that. The title of SLEEPWALKING IN SUBURBIA has, I would propose, two liminal spaces. Sleepwalking: neither asleep nor awake. Suburbia: neither city nor country. Also, this movie maybe thinks that Seattle is the suburbs, so that’s its own liminal space, the city of Seattle, or maybe the suburb of Seattle? We’ll get to it! Let’s get drowsy! (Content warnings for sexual assault, murder, miscarriage, “sexsomnia,” and a house that looks capable of coming to life and consuming you.)

Welcome to the suburbs! And welcome to sleepwalking, as we watch a blonde woman in s silk nightie rise from bed and walk to the kitchen. She kind of pours some milk into a pan, turns the stove on high, and then walks outside. Across the street, her handsome-ish neighbor is sitting on the porch drinking whiskey like a tough cool guy, and the blonde walks right toward him. Mr. Handsome-ish, cautiously thrilled, says, “Hey, Michelle,” as she walks into his house without speaking or making eye contact. He follows Michelle inside, and Michelle immediately kisses him. He’s like, “oh haha no, ahhh, we shouldn’t, I’m just having a little fight with Nancy,” but Michelle does not give a FUCK about Nancy, plus she’s asleep, so she plows right ahead to getting plowed on the kitchen counter. Michelle’s husband awakens to the smoke alarm blaring in the kitchen, realizes his wife is gone, and tries to call her, but unfortunately Michelle did not bring her phone across the street to have sex with the neighbor while sleepwalking. The one time you really need it! Michelle and the neighbor move to the couch, and when she is done, she is done, getting up off him and walking out. He tries to ask if she wants to talk about this, and also give her a necklace that somehow fell off during this vigorous coitus, but Michelle brushes past him and walks back to her house. Her husband is in the driveway looking for her, and when he tries to wake her, Michelle punches him square in the face. He shakes her and tells her she’s sleepwalking again. Oh no!

What do you do when you sleepwalk? You go to a sleep clinic. Michelle and her husband Dan go to a sleep clinic. There’s a whole thing where they were supposed to meet with a Dr. Thorston but he’s not available, and it seems like it might be nefarious, like Dr. Thorston has been murdered or is running MKULTRA, but guess what: it’s not. Some doctor who’s not Dr. Thorston interviews Michelle and Dan about her sleepwalking, and they decide that maybe the stress of trying to get pregnant after a miscarriage is causing her to get up and do a bunch of stuff and people and then not remember any of it. This doctor doesn’t want to prescribe Michelle sleep meds if she’s trying to conceive, so her prescription is: just like, chill out, man.

A couple weeks later, Michelle and Dan are at what the movie calls “a party” but what I would call “going to your friends’ house for drinks and passive aggression.” So like, a Minnesotan party. We meet their couple friends Kate and Tyler, a psychiatrist and a defense lawyer; and Luke and Nancy, a guy who fucks women who walk into his house in the middle of the night and a woman who likes to mix too many drinks with the meds her friend Kate prescribes her. Kate pulls Michelle aside and tells her something’s up with Luke and Nancy, like, it seems like maybe Luke boned someone while they were asleep? Just a vibe? The vibes on this gathering are so weird all around! Kate and Tyler bicker about whether it’s worse for him to call her patients “psychos” or for him to defend rapists, which is everyone’s cue to leave. “Haha, whoa!” they say in unison. Luke catches Michelle on her way out and dangles her necklace in front of her face. She’s been looking everywhere for that! She must have left it here the last time she hung out with Nancy. Luke doesn’t understand why Michelle doesn’t remember the greatest night of his life, and Michelle doesn’t understand the waggling eyebrow insinuations he’s making. She gives one more “haha, whoa!” and hightails it out of there.

Michelle and Dan go home and head to bed, after Dan locks all the doors and windows and sets the alarm. He brings his wife tea and offers to give her a massage to relax but it’s the kind of massage where really you’re just kissing your wife’s neck. She doesn’t really want to do that, thanks! Dan asks her if she wants to keep trying to have a baby and Michelle is like, yeah, totally, for sure, and Dan assures her she won’t have another miscarriage. You cannot guarantee that! Stop guaranteeing that! Michelle just isn’t in the mood, with the sleepwalking weirdness, and Dan stalks out of the room. “Yeah I love you whatever, go to sleep, see if I care,” he says on his way out, pretty much.

Meanwhile, across the street, Nancy is trying to get some from her own disinterested spouse. She would also like to start a family, everybody’s doing it these days, but Luke is acting cold and weird, can they talk about it at least? Luke slams his hand on the kitchen counter and screams “GO TO BED!” Nancy quietly replies, “just don’t,” and he walks over and gently kisses her on the forehead and tells her again to go to bed. It is very freaky and unsettling! This Luke fellow: can’t trust him.

Speaking of unsettling, Michelle is getting out of bed in the middle of the night again. She walks past Luke’s house, to his great disappointment, and back to Kate and Tyler’s. While Dan, awakened by the alarm, runs around the neighborhood looking for her, Michelle marches into her friends’ house, up the stairs into their bedroom, and then, why not, right into the bed. She snuggles up to a sleeping Kate, kisses her, and punches Tyler in the face when this activity wakes him up. Michelle is very literally living the dream. Dan sees the light go on in Kate and Tyler’s bedroom and rushes inside to find his extremely embarrassed wife. Tyler makes a bunch of jokes about ha ha, never had two women in my bed before! ha ha, Kate did all the experimenting in college! ha ha! while his wife asks Michelle to please come visit her office tomorrow, she’ll squeeze her in. Tyler, an adult man with a professional job, makes a joke about the word “squeeze.” Michelle and Dan go home and Michelle swears she doesn’t remember anything, no smooching, no punching, smooth brain only.

Three weeks later, Michelle and Dan visit the sleep clinic again and finally meet the elusive Dr. Thorston, an older white guy. Where was he before? Maybe the actor showed up late and could only film one scene so they made the prop master play the doctor for the intake. Dr. Thorston assures Michelle that sexsomnia is more common than you might think, although poorly understood, and it is okay to take a moment to absorb the fact that we’re just gonna say “sexsomnia” like it’s a real word in this movie. You good? Great. Michelle, who would like to point out that she did not have sex with her neighbors (as far as she knows, which is not nearly far enough) needs talk therapy to address the stress in her life, and a sleep study to make some neato pictures of the inside of her noggin. Unfortunately, all the beds are full tonight, so therapy it is. Thorston also offers Michelle a hypnosis program that will maybe program her brain to wake up as soon as her feet hit the floor, but he warns her it’s not that effective. Doctors should be this honest all the time. “Yeah idk, seems like you’re gonna keep hornily wandering around the neighborhood, sorry I guess?”

Michelle and Dan leave the sleep clinic and go to their jobs, and they both have the most Lifetime-movie-ass jobs, you’ll never guess. Dan is an architect! Michelle works at an ad agency! I’m actually just kind of guessing at Dan’s job, but he’s at a building under construction and he wears a tie and looks at schematics. That’s an architect, if you ask me. Like how every computer toucher is a programmer to me. I do not know. Do not make me learn. Dan works with Luke, they’re buds! Luke heard about Michelle sleepwalking again and is like, “haha, maybe you should handcuff her to the bed! Not that that’s something I’ve thought about doing! Haha!” Dan is like, “???”

Meanwhile, Michelle is very sleepy and about to leave work early. She has looked at several brightly colored printouts with sticky notes attached to them and she is exhausted. Her phone rings with a call from a private number, and it’s Luke telling her he thought she was coming over last night. Michelle does not know what he’s talking about but Luke tells her to not play dumb with him, he needs to see her again. Michelle hangs up and calls Kate. Sure, Kate can squeeze her in. Squeeze her in….in bed, am I right fellas?

In Kate’s office, Michelle tells her friend and psychiatrist (it’s fine) about the call from Luke, and Kate asks if she’s going to tell Nancy. Michelle doesn’t want to do that, because Luke was making it sound like they slept together? And that’s a whole deal, you know? Kate points out that with Michelle’s sexsomnia (I know), it’s possible that they did, in fact, have sex. Also, Michelle seems awfully tired, even accounting for how little sleep she’s been getting, is she sure she’s not……pregnant? Maybe take a test? Actually definitely do that.

Michelle goes home with a bag from the drugstore in tow, and whoopsy doodle it turns out she is pregnant. She tells Dan, who’s in the process of making lasagna for dinner. On a weeknight! Wow. Dan is thrilled! He loves her so much! Hooray for the baby who will fix all their problems!

Well, one problem at least: Michelle gets a great night’s sleep, doesn’t go on a sexsomniac mission or anything. She has the day off (sure) so she can drive Dan to work and check out the progress they’re making on the building. Dan has to meet with someone, so he leaves her in Luke’s capable hands for a tour byyyeeee. Michelle would really rather just leave, but Luke isn’t going to let that happen. He leads Michelle into a dark hallway and tells her that she was amazing, and that he’s been in love with her ever since he met her 10 years ago. Michelle tells him that she was sleepwalking and Does Not Remember whatever happened between them, but Luke pins her to a wall and tells her that maybe this will remind her, and forces a kiss on her. Michelle knees him in the groin and books it. In her car, she “[puffs tensely]” according to the captions, as she considers calling her husband but calls Kate instead.

We return to Kate’s office, and I notice she has one of those lil phrenology models on her desk. Wonderful! I should get one of those. Michelle tells Kate that Luke “tried to force her” and Kate asks if she called the police. No, and she hasn’t told Dan either. Kate tells her she has to at least tell Dan, but Michelle worries that Dan will wonder if the baby is his if he finds out she sexsomniaed all over their neighbor. Reasonable! But oh no, back at the building site, Dan is cheerfully asking Luke if he can keep something to himself, guess what, Michelle is pregnant! Luke congratulates him and they hug. Luke is taking this really well. He’s turning over a new leaf. Can’t believe this man pinned a woman against a wall and forcibly kissed her like two minutes ago.

Oh no wait he hasn’t turned over a new leaf at all. Luke goes home and tells his wife he wants to try a separation, and his wife does not want that. Luke is surprised; he thought he and Nancy were on the same page. Nancy screams, “THE SAME PAGE?” and throws a crystal pitcher against the wall. Let me see that page, there must be something really wild written on it.

Michelle had one (1) quiet night and now she’s sleepwalking in her silk teddy again. She lets herself into Luke’s house because no one locks their back doors in this neighborhood, and finds a nice armchair to lie down in. Sleepwalking has tuckered her out. Luke, still up, yells up the stairs at Nancy that she left the back door open, which wakes Michelle. She manages to sneak out past Luke going “is someone in here? I have a gun!” and holding his gun like a total dipshit, but when she gets home she finds blood on her foot. Not her blood! Loose blood, from somewhere.

In the morning, Kate, dressed in a pea coat, jeans, and open-toed stiletto heels, visits Luke and Nancy’s house, telling an evasive Luke that she was supposed to have breakfast with Nancy but she didn’t show. Luke tells her that they had a fight and she took off, and no it does not have anything to do with this cut on his forehead, lay off. Kate returns to her car, where Michelle is waiting, and they agree that they have to go to the police. Someone as rational as Nancy wouldn’t mix alcohol and psych meds, throw a crystal pitcher against the wall, and then leave town without telling anyone.

So Michelle and Kate go visit a detective, and he does not give a fuck. Detective Bennett thinks that it sounds like Luke and Nancy are splitting up, until Kate prods Michelle to tell him about the loose blood. He’s less interested in Nancy possibly being murdered than he is about Michelle breaking into the house while sleepwalking, because cops protect property, they don’t protect people, but he reluctantly agrees that if Luke has a gun and there’s blood on his floor and his wife is gone, there might be something to look into. I guess. Godddddddd.

Michelle and Dan turn in for the night, and Michelle’s hypnosis tapes fail her again, as she gets out of bed for a nighttime jaunt. Her jimjams are a little more practical this time at least. Personally if I was aware that I was getting up and wandering the neighborhood at night, I would wear pants to bed, and Michelle has come around to my point of view. As she’s walking down the street a pickup truck comes up behind her and runs her off the road, which startles her awake. Good thing too, because then the truck chases her through a field and a guy in a hoodie gets out of it and shoots at her. Michelle runs in her pants (and sneakers!!! I couldn’t get a good picture of it but she is absolutely wearing sneakers) to a gas station, and when the cops show up to “help,” it’s the same detective they talked to earlier today. He suggests that maybe Michelle simply dreamed being shot at, because that would take something off his workload, thanks. But, okay, if she didn’t dream it, who does she think might be shooting at her? Help a guy out. Is it Luke, maybe? Probably not actually, Detective Bennett actually talked to Nancy today, and she’s fine, and she says the blood was from Luke cutting himself on a glass. Well! I guess that’s all wrapped up in a neat little package! So, anyway, we’re taking this whole “someone shot at you while you were sleepwalking” thing seriously but also, get a psych evaluation, and we’re not taking this seriously at all.

Michelle and Dan both go to their “jobs” in the morning. Dan tells Luke that someone shot at Michelle last night, and Luke replies, “like, with a gun?” No, with a crossbow. With a camera. With a missile launcher. With a trebuchet. Yes, Luke, with a gun. Dan adds that she thinks maybe Luke was shooting at her, and Luke tells him to take her to a psychiatrist. Sleepy women be crazy!

Michelle is “working” late at the ad agency, and by the time she leaves, Luke is lurking in the parking garage. He would like to talk about the baby, which he assumes is his, because of the timing. She is like one month pregnant! How does he know! Does he know her ovulation days? Michelle points out that if he cared about the baby, he wouldn’t be shooting at her, and Luke says that wasn’t him. Michelle drives off and visits Detective Bennett, but he says there’s nothing they can charge Luke with. Go ahead and file a restraining order against him though, we’ll definitely enforce that.

In bed that night, Dan and Michelle have a heart to heart about Luke and Nancy and the sleepwalking and the shooting. He tells her that there still aren’t any available beds at the sleep center, and since the hypnosis thing doesn’t seem to be working, maybe he could…handcuff her to the bed? Michelle agrees to this, and I think about what a good movie Gerald’s Game was. That Carla Gugino can really sell a monologue.

Whoopsy! Whoopsy alert! In the morning, Michelle wakes up holding a knife next to Luke’s dead body! Weeeeoooo weeeeooooo! She runs home, covered in blood, and tells Dan she killed Luke. No guile to this woman whatsoever. A baby bird. She’s taken to the police station in handcuffs, and Dan calls Tyler to lawyer her up. This does solve…a lot of her problems though.

Dan and Tyler visit Michelle at the police station, and Tyler tells her Dr. Thorston will testify on her behalf that it was a sexsomnia thing. Or a sleepwalking thing anyway. That defense has worked before, but only when there’s no motive. And the cops think she was having an affair with Tyler, and they had a fight, and she killed him. Tyler proposes doing some regression therapy under hypnosis. Will that hold up in court? Sure! Also, Michelle can go home now. The judge granted her bail because he plays golf with Tyler. There is just, so much “is this how the justice system works? Yeah I guess it is” in this scene.

At home, Michelle fitfully dozes and has some vague yet well-lit flashes of memory. You’d think they’d be from her point of view but Michelle remembers things as though she’s a third-person bystander, or camera perhaps, in her own life. She remembers kissing Luke, and Luke telling her he thought they had something, and then being knocked out by a man in a special Lifetime movie face-concealing hoodie. Oh hey Michelle didn’t kill Luke after all! She awakens with a gasp and calls Dan, who WENT TO WORK, leaving his wife who he thought JUST MURDERED SOMEONE IN HER SLEEP to get some REST at HOME, to tell him that she didn’t do it, and she can prove it, she just has to get into Luke’s house. Dan, who again, IS AT WORK, even though he is not a DOCTOR or a FIREFIGHTER, tells her not to do that, and books it out of the building site.

Oh the cops are trying to make themselves useful, that’s adorable. It turns out a truck rented in Nancy’s name drove past the gas station where Michelle was getting shot at. Bennett calls Michelle to tell her that they think Nancy is trying to do vengeance at her, but Michelle is too busy rummaging around Luke and Nancy’s house. Ope, Nancy is home, and she would like to know why there’s police tape all over her house. Michelle informs her that her husband is dead, and Nancy tells her that she’s LYING, she knows Michelle is screwing her husband. Well! Both things can be true. Nancy grabs a chef’s knife and screams, “I’m gonna cut your head off!” She lunges at Michelle and cuts her arm, but Michelle defends herself with a cast iron pan and runs to a storage room in the basement and calls Detective Bennett. He tells her they’re ten minutes away, but it is definitely not going to take Nancy ten minutes to stab through this hollow closet door. Keep at it, Nancy!

Dan’s here now! Nancy takes a break from stabbing a door to tell him to walk away, this doesn’t concern him. Well, regardless of Dan’s level of concern, Michelle sneaks up behind Nancy and whacks her with a bat she found in the basement. She’s just unconscious, it’s fine.

Michelle needs to tell Dan something: she had sex with Luke while she was sleepwalking. Dan sneers at her, and then she realizes he’s wearing leather gloves. No one has ever worn leather gloves for normal non-crime reasons, and indeed, Dan is here to do crimes. He knew Michelle slept with Luke! He knew all along, and she disgusts him. His best friend! He could smell him on her. What does your best friend smell like? Tell me in the comments.

So, here was Dan’s plan. He knew Michelle boned Luke (once?? though???? one time!) so last night he uncuffed her, waited for her to sleepwalk, guided her to Luke’s, stabbed Luke in the gut, and then put the knife in her hand. Oh also he paid “a whore” (boo) to rent the truck in Nancy’s name. This does not seem like a reliable plan but I guess it worked. Route efficiency 100%. They hear sirens approach and Michelle tells him it’s over, and Dan replies that actually wait he has one more thing, and it’s a gun, registered to Luke. I mean, if he shoots Michelle right now, Luke has a pretty solid alibi of being at work, where everyone can see him? Michelle takes a new tack, telling Dan that actually she faked the whole thing, she was never sleepwalking, she just needed a man since Dan couldn’t be that for her. Dan knocks her down and “[exhales darkly]” as Michelle reaches for Nancy’s knife. When Dan lunges at her (why? he has a gun), she sinks the knife into his gut. Just like Luke! Best friends! The sirens continue to approach as Michelle cries over Dan’s body. Is he dead? I don’t know. When the cops arrive, they take Dan away on a gurney and wrap Michelle in a blanket and then, the movie, is over? It’s over. It’s over! Is Nancy okay? Is Dan dead? Is it really Luke’s baby? Probably, right? I will answer these questions in my script for SLEEPWALKING IN SUBURBIA 2: STILL SLEEPY, but until then you just have to wonder. The end, thanks for reading!