Thanks for threatening me with a good Lifetime
Hello friends! I am about to send the last Don’t Threaten Me With a Good Lifetime. I have been writing it for a long time! I had a full time job when I started it, and I hadn’t written anything longer than a cover letter in probably 15 years. I think what happened is, I got left alone for a weekend and I get weird when I get left alone. Usually I just get too much Taco Bell, but that time I got too much Taco Bell and started writing a newsletter about Lifetime movies that, to my astonishment and faint embarrassment, several people signed up for. And then I just kept writing it, because I am the most stubborn person alive. Astrology is fake but I am a Taurus and The Secret Language of Birthdays says I was born on “The Day of Steadfastness.” I wrote fifty of these things because it was easier to keep going than it was to give up, and because some people liked it and I like attention.
I know that what I am supposed to say at the end of this is “Thank you so much for reading, even one person liking one of my jokes means a lot to me.” But that’s not true and nobody has ever meant it. Of course I’m glad you liked my jokes, but I would have liked it if more people had read it! I would have really liked it if more people had shared it. One time I opened an email from Substack that was like “well obviously the first thousand people who subscribe to your newsletter will be people you went to college with,” and I thought, “oh, oh no.” I don’t have a huge Twitter following or a network from college, so this was never going to work really but like I said, I’m stubborn. I tried. It didn’t work. I would have had to have tried a lot harder to make it work and I’m stubborn but I’m lazy. I have been trying to think of something else I can write but the best I’ve come up with is “compare a baseball player to a bird and then talk about the baseball player and the bird,” and that is for six people tops. It is nothing. If I come up with something, I’ll let y’all know.
As always, thank you for reading. Thank you especially to Kyle, Sarah, Torie, Jake, Alex, other Alex, Natalie, Erik, other Erik, Gillian, Ruth, Pine, Alana, Al, Francie, Nunzio, pig, Felicity, Doug, Felix, and anyone else who I am forgetting who read this and told me they liked it even though they absolutely didn’t have to.
— (Karen) Amelia