Hello friends! Here’s something to think about: when did meeting your partner online stop being embarrassing or, indeed, interesting at all? It’s been a while, right? How else does anyone meet anyone? Work? School? Going up to a stranger and talking to them at a bar? Absurd. No thank you. However, I guess in 2012 it was still remarkable enough for Lifetime to make a movie called THE WIFE HE MET ONLINE, starring a whole passel of people you’d know if you watched soap operas in the 1990s, which I did not. Join me for a tale of arson, flashbacks, repeated references to Russia, hallucinations, and…romance. (Content warnings for self-harm, psychosis, murder, and death by fire.)
We open on the wedding day of Bryant, a Handsome White Man, and Georgia, The Wife He Met Online. Through an extremely long series of flashbacks, they tell the story of their courtship to some people with cameras and microphones. Georgia, a stylist in LA, and Bryant, an ad executive in Philadelphia, met on Cupid’s Match Dot Com, and after some phone calls and video chats went well, and following some dorky haranguing from Bryant’s awkward child Megan, they met up in LA. We see them go to a martini bar and then skip right to the postcoital snuggling, including some side-butt action from Bryant. This is what women want to see. Georgia tells Microphone Woman that they visited each other twice a month, sometimes visiting other cities too. The description for this movie says they got married “after two months of dating,” but time is as elastic and meaningless in this Lifetime movie as it is in all Lifetime movies and also in life.
In Bryant’s dressing room, his ex-wife Virginia drops off their daughter Megan and he thanks her for being so understanding about how fast this happened. She congratulates him and leaves. Virginia has better things to do today, like: sit on her couch and complain to her boyfriend Nick about how fast this happened. Back in Georgia’s boudoir, the camera crew leaves and is replaced by her mother, a patrician ice sculpture (played by Barbara Niven!) who tells her she can’t believe she’s getting married after what happened with Geoffrey. We get another flashback, this movie is 80% flashback, in which Georgia attempts to set her boyfriend Geoffrey’s house on fire. We don’t even get any side-butt from Geoffrey as he calls 911 while Georgia runs out crying. The Mother Of The Wife He Met Online insincerely apologizes for bringing up Geoffrey.
The wedding happens and it’s nothing, it’s just a stumbling block to more flashbacks at the reception. Georgia watches Bryant’s pretty coworker Zenya flirt with him at the bar and has a flashback in which she yells at Geoffrey for flirting with a bartender and then holds some broken glass to her wrist for approximately a tenth of a second. When she realizes that in the present time, she’s broken a champagne flute and gotten a deer-tick-sized drop of blood on her (strapless) (white) (beaded satin, of COURSE) wedding dress, she locks herself in the bathroom and panics about it. After Georgia tearfully sends Bryant to get some soda water for her dress, her mom emerges from a bathroom stall to silkily inform her daughter that she’ll never keep a man acting like that.
After the reception, Bryant and Georgia talk to the camera crew again, and the interviewer says she wishes she could have talked to some of Georgia’s friends or family. Georgia replies that she really wishes her mom could have been there……..but she died when Georgia was a little girl. Oh, I feel like such a rube, but how could I have known? This is the first movie I’ve ever seen. Over the interviewer’s shoulder, Georgia’s mom waggles her eyebrows and winks at her daughter. Sure, she’s a hallucination viciously undermining her daughter, but she’s having a great time, and you can’t fault her for that.
The Husband She Met Online carries Georgia into the honeymoon suite, where she almost immediately starts pouting about how “giggly-giggly” he was with his coworker Zenya. Bryant protests that they’re just good friends, all his good friends rest their chins on his shoulder and laugh charmingly into his ear. Why, Travis down at the tennis club did it just the other day. Georgia is reassured enough to do some Marital Lovemaking, but after her new husband falls asleep she walks out to the living room and tries to guess the passcode on his phone. And she does this until dawn and never guesses it, which seems impossible? Also did 2012 phones not brick themselves or at least lock you out after a certain number of attempts? It doesn’t matter, Bryant’s secrets are locked up tighter than an unroasted pistachio. Oh, also she has another Geoffrey flashback. Did you know that she dated a guy named Geoffrey? And she’s unstable? Yeah. When Bryant wakes up, they order room service but then Bryant gets a call from Zenya at work. Bryant! The Haley Preston contract! It has to get done today. I wonder if Haley Preston is the name of a person who won a contest to get their name in a Lifetime movie, because they say “Haley Preston” so many times over the course of the movie. I would enter that contest. I would win. Bryant goes to work, the day after he gets married, to work on The Haley Preston Contract. Haley Preston waits for no man!
Georgia decides to drop in on Bryant and Zenya under the pretext of bringing them snacks, and finds them…doing Haley Preston work. The dastards! Georgia asks to use Zenya’s office to check her email. People in 2012 were always checking their email. She pokes around Zenya’s desk and finds a little card reading “happy birthday, gorgeous!” from Bryant. Aha, so they DID date and Bryant IS lying and all men ARE untrustworthy and Georgia is RIGHT to murder them. Georgia also sees Zenya’s profile on the same dating website she and Bryant met on. It’s extremely, hilariously basic, but Georgia gets mad because Bryant fits her description of her “ideal man,” a guy who’s “tall, fit, and professional.” OH and I bet he breathes OXYGEN and walks UPRIGHT too, just like SOMEBODY I know. Also, Zenya’s family is from Russia, which explains her name. Oh it’s short for Евгения! Женя. Cool cool cool. Женя’s favorite date spot is watching the leaves change on Martha’s Vineyard. She is the most boring woman alive but she’s done with the Haley Preston contract now! That was absolutely worth dragging Bryant out of his honeymoon suite.
That night, Bryant takes Georgia out to dinner and she casually asks about Martha’s Vineyard. Oh it’s so beautiful there! In October! When the leaves change! He’d love to take her there! The “like he took Женя” part is unspoken but implied! While they’re at dinner, Bryant’s ex-wife Virginia calls to invite the two of them to a birthday party for her boyfriend Nick, and also to tell him about some softball thing his daughter is in. Unfortunately, Bryant has a Big Work Thing and he won’t be able to make it to Megan’s event. He’ll be in Dallas at a conference with his boss David and also Zenya. Georgia asks if she can come too, because she’d love to see….Dallas? But no, no spouses allowed. He’ll be too busy doing business, you see.
Georgia takes The Stepdaughter She Met Online to hang out with a friend of hers, and the friend’s mom lets it slip that Bryant and Zenya used to date. Really? Bryant? And….Zenya? Are you sure? Well, okay. When they get home, Megan and Georgia have a fight over Megan using Georgia’s laptop. Georgia retreats to the walk-in closet/bathroom emporium that houses have in Lifetime movies for some self-yelling, and Megan flees to her bedroom to call her mom to come get her. Luckily for Georgia, Megan is a very greedy and opportunistic child, and Georgia buys her silence with $20 for a video game. Twenty dollars! Maybe it’s used? When Virginia picks up Megan, she learns about the bribe and is like, “???”
We quickly learn why Georgia didn’t want Megan using her laptop as Zenya receives a Cupid’s Match message from “WineLoverMark,” which is Georgia using Geoffrey’s picture for an avatar. W…hy? would? she use Geoffrey’s picture??? I genuinely can’t think of a plot reason, or a movie expediency reason. It just seems like maybe she thinks Bryant and Geoffrey are the only men in the world? There are other men! Like, uh, let’s see, 2012 men, George Clooney was a man in 2012, ummm Barack Obama? He was a man. I’m sweating now. WineLoverMark asks Zenya out, but she says she’s not sure if she’s really over her ex and ready to date. Why are you on the dating website, Женя! She was really in love with that other guy, and they still work together. “I told you,” says Georgia’s mom, reading over her shoulder. She’s not wrong! Bryant should absolutely have been up front about this with Georgia, there was literally no reason not to. Does that mean he deserves everything that’s coming to him? Well, let’s see.
When Bryant gets home, Georgia acidly asks him where he’s been, perhaps a “happy ending happy hour”? Yes, Georgia, he got a half-price drink and some potato skins and then the bartender jerked him off. She tells him she knows about Zenya, and he apologizes but says they only dated briefly, after his divorce, and agreed they were better off as friends. You know he knows she still pines after him. He loves it. Georgia is sorry too: sorry she believed anything Bryant ever said! But she’s mollified by his promises to never keep anything from her again, let alone cheat on her or lie to her or get a handy from the barback. That night in bed, Bryant asks his online wife what’s up with her trust issues, and she traces them back to her mom’s tendency to do things like tell her her dad was coming to pick her up, and then just letting Georgia sit on the porch waiting for him all day while she smoked and laughed at her. That’s, uh, that’ll do it! Bryant promises that he’ll never abandon her like her dad, or lie to her like her mom.
At her nebulously defined office job (aren’t they all), Virginia talks to a coworker about how weird Georgia is, and the coworker, who does not exist outside this scene and is not given a name, suggests looking her up online, since that’s where Bryant found her. They definitely had LinkedIn in 2012, so it’s pretty easy to find Georgia’s whole résumé and start calling her references. She reaches a stylist who worked with Georgia in Los Angeles (at the train-themed shoot from the title screen), and asks about a gap in Georgia’s work history. Oh, that’s when Geoffrey was supporting her. She seemed fine, though, says this random woman answering a call from Philadelphia in the middle of the dang day.
Meanwhile, Georgia, who seems fine, is again asking Zenya out under the guise of WineLoverMark. Zenya declines because she’s on her way out of town, but promises they’ll get together after that. Georgia looks up Zenya’s address and drives past her house, then looks up car schematics at home. Oh man I bet she’s gonna mess with her horn so it plays “La Cucaracha” or something. What a prankster!
Bryant arrives home from work at an hour deemed unfavorable for illicit third base activity, and Georgia tells him she’s had a tummyache all day and won’t be able to go to Virginia’s boyfriend’s birthday. Once Bryant heads out, Georgia puts on her sneakiest black outfit, goes to Zenya’s house, and cuts the fuel line on her car. Who among us has not faked food poisoning to get out of going to our new husband’s ex-wife’s boyfriend’s birthday party at a pizza party and then sabotaged our new husband’s ex-girlfriend’s car? That’s the human experience! Georgia leaves a lit cigarette under the car for good measure and then gets in her own car and waits. When Zenya gets in her car, it won’t start, but you know what it will do? Ignite into an instantaneous fireball, poooooooooof. The last thing Женя sees is Georgia smirking at her. She gets to take that image to heaven. Georgia goes home and puts her gas-smelling clothes in the hamper, and when Bryant gets home from his pizza party for an adult, she smooches him and tells him that he’s the best husband, and she’s glad he’s all hers, “every single inch.” That’s a dick joke, right? I know this recap is a little bluer than usual, but…that’s a dick joke.
Virginia is full of pizza from Nick’s party, but she’s also full of questions about Georgia; she’s been trying to get in touch with that Geoffrey guy but he’s in Russia until next week. What’s the deal with Russia, huh? Lot of Russia in this movie. Suspicious. Nick wants to know if there’s cake left over. He serves no narrative purpose but he likes cake. My man!
In the morning, Bryant is awakened by Zenya’s sister, calling to inform him of Zenya’s extremely fiery death. Like, unfeasibly fiery. Georgia offers to help him clean out her office, so the two of them head into Ad Agency LLC. Bryant’s boss tells him the police think someone cut the gas line to steal the gas, which, I mean, seems a lot easier to use a siphon? To me? But sure. If you want to steal someone’s gas and also murder them, you really can’t beat the efficiency here. While Bryant and his boss talk about how sad it is, Georgia rummages through Zenya’s desk and takes a lipstick and a pearl necklace for herself. Finders keepers.
At Zenya’s funeral, her sister invites Bryant to give a eulogy, and he talks about how beautiful and special she was and tells a story about convincing her to play poker in Atlantic City. Finally, something regionally specific to Philadelphia. Can one of you eat a weird-shaped pretzel or get a wooder ice or something, jesus. Georgia, furious that her husband is sad that his friend died, leaves the church and drives home so she can cry in the bathroom about how he’s obviously still in love with Zenya. Bryant, who also leaves the funeral early, tries to tell his wife that he was never in love with Zenya, why is she acting like this? Georgia doesn’t know why she can’t stop pushing him away, but she has these intrusive thoughts that cause her real pain. Bryant holds her and tells her she doesn’t have to live in turmoil. It is all very soap opera. Imagine telling a person you love, “you don’t have to live in turmoil!” At some point, she cries herself out and falls asleep, and Bryant makes her an appointment with a therapist for the next day, because time is, again, meaningless.
Over at Virginia’s the next day, Megan’s indolent teenage babysitter grudgingly interrupts her phone chat to take a call from Geoffrey in Moscow. He’s already left Virginia a voicemail but he really, really needs to talk to her about Georgia. The babysitter writes down Geoffrey’s phone number with “re: Georgia” appended. Megan sees the note and listen, I would feel bad about making fun of Megan if she were a real child, but she is not, she is a dull girl, and she decides “re:” must mean “to:” and calls Georgia to tell her that this Geoffrey guy called her at the wrong number. Georgia thanks her for relaying the message and tells her to rip it up and throw it away. If only no one had taught Megan to read, we wouldn’t be in this mess. Georgia’s mom appears to tell her it’s all happening again, but maybe she should just let Bryant go instead of trying to set him on fire like she did with Geoffrey. No, says Georgia, if Bryant can’t love her, he can’t love anyone. She picks up a kitchen knife and heads out.
The only person in this movie actually doing the work to unravel Georgia’s whole deal is the Ex-Wife He Met In College Or Something Probably, so let’s check on Virginia. She got the voicemail Geoffrey left her, and calls him back. He is eating dinner with a pretty Russian lady but takes her call to tell her oh, yeah, Georgia is bonkers. After he left her, she spent 18 months in a psychiatric hospital and there is no way she’s stable enough to be getting married already. Also, by the way, she also tried to kill one of his coworkers, and he’s pretty sure she killed her mom by letting her fall asleep with a lit cigarette and then wedging a shovel under the door handle when she tried to escape. We see a flashback of this, so it must be true. Anyway, says Geoffrey, good luck! Byeeeeee.
Virginia, somehow the hero of this movie, calls Bryant at work to tell him what she’s learned, but unfortunately she wasn’t quite quick enough to outrace Georgia, who arrives at The Ad Hut mid-meltdown. She demands to know what Virginia has been telling him, and he in return demands that she calm down. Ha ha! Cool. This is certainly a man worth killing for. She runs up the stairs to the roof, and Bryant finds her standing at the edge, brandishing the chef’s knife. What does he tell her to do? He tells her to relax. Is he…negging her? Right this second? Maybe, but he also tries to tell her he’s her husband, he’ll always be on her side, which doesn’t work. Georgia starts cutting her arm with the knife and tells Bryant that Zenya was still in love with him, and having her around meant losing him. He finally realizes that Zenya didn’t die because some street toughs didn’t know how to use a siphon, and Georgia cries that she should have listened to her mother, Bryant was the love of her life. Bryant tells her that he still is, and he’ll never let her go, but as soon as he gets close enough to embrace her, she stabs the love of her life square in the gut. He manages to get the knife away from her as his boss finds the two of them grappling on the roof and calls 911. Georgia flees on foot, running down the stairs and walking briskly away as sirens approach.
Some? time? later? Bryant has friends and family over for a barbecue. He’s still wincing a little but he seems mostly fine. Virginia tells someone that the cops don’t know where Georgia is, maybe she’s in Mexico. Wow, all you have to do is power-walk away from the cops and they’ll never find you! Great strategy. Bryant’s party is momentarily interrupted by a delivery at the door: a DVD of the thing that was being filmed at his wedding, which turns out to be like, promotional material for the website where they met? It’s garbage! Who wants that! Throw it in the garbage, Bryant. He does that, and walks back out to his party.
Meanwhile, Georgia is not in Mexico. She’s in New York, and she is talking to yet another guy from Cupid’s Match Dot Com. She has a different haircut and glasses, so you can see how she’s completely untraceable. Do you think she’s using a different name? She’s never changed her name before and probably doesn’t see why she should have to do that now. Anyway, the guy asks when they can meet, and she smiles “devilishly.” The end! Thanks for reading, please share if you like, I like doing this and I think other people will like reading it too.